I’m not one to often try to do it twice in one day. Blame it on age, stamina, bad day at work, whatever. About three times a week is all I can muster. Of course I’m talking about writing a post for this blog. What?

But my meal today was so, sublime, let’s say, that I had to come back and relay the experience. I do have to warn you though: this post contains some generalizations and stereotypical jumps. Not that these are inaccurate, since they have happened to me on more than one occasion, but I just thought you should know going in.

Today, running around over my lunch break, I found a Chinese Buffet, the cool All-You-Can-Eat kind. And I have to tell you, I loves me some Chinese food. Let me just get that out in the open. I’m not ashamed of it. There are few foods that I will just sit and graze on more so than Chinese food. Maybe that’s only because there aren’t a lot of, say, Italian food places with buffets, or because any other family of cuisine might actually leave you full. Ha ha! Not so with the gentle Chinese food. It coddles you with serving upon serving of strangely collapsible food, until suddenly, you’re full! Sit back, unbutton that top button and maybe loosen the belt, and wait for five minutes. You’ll have room for desert in no time.

I didn’t have the time for a buffet meal this afternoon, I had a meeting to get back for, and errands to run, but I couldn’t help it. I made a U-turn and went back to the place, drawn inside by the smell of sweet MSG, quietly sizzling in a wok larger than my car.

When I entered, the Super China King Buffet smelled like a wharf. In July. Seeing as how this was Scottsdale, I could only assume the smell was part of the added ambiance. Not being able to pinpoint the exact source of the nearly palpable scent, I blindly walked into the counter. If my eyes weren’t having such trouble adjusting to the casino-esque lighting, complete with flashing rope lights around what I determined later was the seafood counter, I probably would have left, but it was too late…I was rushed by a woman I could barely understand, and was whisked away to a land of certain succulent delights.

Before I knew it, I was at a table near ground zero, kind of wishing there was some space between myself and the pile of freshly-made yesterday sushi, but alas, my hostess was gone. I order an iced tea from the next person to approach the table, whom I really hoped was my server. When it came, I learned that their iced tea, oh by the way, was their hot tea, in a bigger glass, with ice. Not good, but at least it was wet, eventually cold and could wash down my food. So as I sat an listened to the Asian workers from the front of the house shout – in Chinese – at the Hispanic guys in the kitchen, who then shouted back – in Spanish – I thought about why I continue to eat at places like this.

Of course the one thing I really like about the buffet-style restaurant is where else can you sample so many dishes for one low price? In a traditional restaurant, you may order the Spicy Calamari, but find out one bite in that you really don’t care for it. Tough cookies, you’re out of luck! So sorry! At the buffet, you can go through, take one of everything, and then go back for more of what you enjoy.

The other aspect I like about buffets, specifically Chinese buffets, is that the contents of your food is a complete and total crap shoot. In my example, I may or may not really like Spicy Calamari, but when you find out it’s really chicken fingers, who doesn’t like those? And I wanted to try the “Fench Frys” (hey, don’t blame me, that’s what the sign said), but they seemed to have long tentacles with suckers. I think I’ll pass this time. There was also a dish called “Crab with meat”, which I tried to eat. It was really bread crumb stuffing served in a little crab shell. A little gross, but…well, that’s about all I can say about it. Maybe it should have been called “Crab without meat.”

Another personal favorite: the crab puff. Mmm, mmm. Not a trace of crab anywhere. Not even artificial crab, which is unfortunate, because that’s what I grew up eating at Sizzler and loved it. These were straight fried cream cheese, baby! The only place I did find crab, artificial or otherwise, was in some dish labeled “Seafood Delight.” This confused me, because I only saw two small chunks of what can only be assumed to have been meat at one time, in a huge bowl of broccoli and cauliflower. I brought a sushi tuna roll back to my table, but I couldn’t get the thought that I was eating someone’s leftover tuna casserole wrapped in aquarium weed out of my mind. It just got the better of me. More tea, please.

If I had to sum up my lunch hour in one word, it would have to be “congealed.” The true measure of any meal, the IBS kicked in before I even got out of the parking lot, which, of course, made for a speedy drive back to work and got me out of my after-lunch meeting. So now I sit here, alone in my cube, waiting for the sweating to stop, with a fading hope that I can dry out my shirt enough to make it to my next appointment, or if I should just call them and ask if we can reschedule.

I’m also wondering if my laptop would pick up the wireless network from the restroom.

Tags: buffet, Chinese, eating out, food, sushi