One of the things I like about working for The Company is that a place this size affords me many opportunities that I didn’t have as a freelancer. One such opportunity is the joy of the fire drill. Haven’t gotten to do one of those for a while. Really set my Tuesday off on the right foot. Sadly we all thought the sound was the fax machine choking on a timeshare offer so we ignored it. Looks like we’ll be getting safety training for that one!

Another opportunity I had was to attend a mini-seminar given by a member of the CIA’s Cyber Crimes unit. This little pep-talk was given as part of our internal Information Security folks’ open house, which I thought was going to be a snoozer, but turned out to be fun. Not because of the content. There was candy, which I needed like a hole in the head, popcorn, cookies and sodas. It was like trick or treating at Fox Mulder’s house.

I have to say, I learned a lot from the speaker. Sure, I’m thinking some of it was the mystique of listening to an actual CIA agent, but I think there were some nuggets too, and I feel like I should pass them on. After all, we are all connected on the web, and you really should know this stuff:
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I grew up not doing anything for the Halloween, because, you know, that’s the day that Satan and kidnappers are out. At least that’s what I got from mom and the church. Anyway, now that I’ve grown up and married a bona fide Halloween connoisseur, I’ve gradually softened to the point of enjoying staying home and handing out candy to the kids. This year however, I’m on my own. My wife has a class that night that the instructor won’t cancel, and since we’re still new in our area, I have no idea how many, if any, children will show up at our door.

Not to leave anything to chance, she brought home a huge bag of candy last week so we can be prepared for whatever kids do show. In honor of the this event, I’ve been inspired to write a haiku:

Still two days, all gone
Ate thirty bucks worth of sweets
Pass the stomach pump

Thank you.

Well, today’s the day. I’m going to refer to it as D-day, mostly because I like the way it sounds, but if I had to pick a word that would fit with the “D” theme, I could live with “disclosure.”

See, today’s the day that we announce to the staff that I’m coming on board full-time. No turning back now. By default, today will also be the day that all my cracks about the “lifers” will come back to haunt me. Karma’s about to own me.

Some of my favorites over the years have been:

• “I’d work here, but you know, I’d really miss my soul.”
• “I don’t want to be tied down to a set schedule. I have too much else going on.”
• And every day at 1:00 a Braveheart-style “Freedom!” The coworkers love that one.

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I’ve determined that most of you other bloggers out there either don’t currently work in a typical cube farm-type company, or are just a little unfamiliar with how life in these adult hamster cages work. With that in mind, I’ve decided to make my transition from the round peg of a freelancer to the square block of corporate America an educational experience. This way, the young readers can determine if the rectangular path is one they want to pursue or avoid. Others who already live in the Office Space world can sympathize and we can swap stories. That, and nobody likes to hear others complain about their job all the time.

Now that I’m on board full time, I’m now subject to all of the über-cool standards in the 479-page Employee Handbook. Before, I could pass it off as “well, I’m only here part time, so I don’t really have the time for…”, but no more. The half-assery is ends now!
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