In our modern life, most of the questions people get each day are inane, and answered without much thought, but if you really think about all the answers you dole out on a given day it’s a large number. An FAQ section makes a lot of sense if you think about it that way. So, this is where I answer the questions I get most frequently asked, and variations on the answers given depending on the context.

Q: How are you?

A: I’m fine. Thanks for asking.

Q: Did you feed the dogs this morning?

A: Yes. Daisy ate but Moses didn’t.

Q: Did you pay the cable bill?

A: Yes. Through the bank’s web site though, so it was probably late.

Q: Did you have a good weekend?

A: Yes, but it was too short. Or too hot. Filled with things to do or naps.

Q: How old is this car? Is that a tape deck?

A: Currently – 31. It’s a 1983 BMW 533i. And yes, that’s a tape deck.

Q: Would you like fries with that?

A: Yes. Medium, please.

Q: Anything to eat with your coffee today?

A: No, thanks. Just the coffee.

Q: Did you mean to wear that shirt with those pants?

A: Yes. I mean, maybe. They don’t match, do they?

Q: Are all the cats clear? The dogs need to come in.

A: Yes, I counted twice.

Q: You have how many cats?

A: Eight.

Q: Did the cats’ trays get cleaned today?

A: Yes.

Q: Have you done your weekly report yet?

A: No.

Q: Is there any coffee left?

A: Probably not.

Q: Did you eat lunch yet?

A: No. Or yes.

Q: Did you carpool today?

A: No. Or yes.

Q: Are we out of bread?

A: No. There’s a loaf in the freezer.

Q: What does Relatively Average mean? Don’they cancel eachother out?

A: Probably. I’ve been told on several occasions, by multiple people, that it doesn’t mean anything. Really, all I wanted to say with “relatively average” is that when you get down to it…we’re all the same; everything evens out in the end. Relatively Average is just my personal blog.

Q: What do you do?

A: I am employed as a full-time web designer for a large utility company, and freelance on the side.

Q: You really weld? Like weld weld? What do you weld?

A: Yes. Because it’s fun. I’ve made all kinds of sculptures, a windmill thing, a shelf for the bathroom, some stands for our fishing poles, lots of things.

Q: Did you get that email I sent you?

A: Probably.

Q: Did you and your wife date in high school?

A: No. We knew eachother, and walked together at graduation, but that was it. We didn’t date until I had come home from college.

Q: Have you ever been to Europe?

A: No. My wife has, though.

Q: You drink hot coffee during the summer? Why?

A: Yes. Because I like the taste of coffee.

Q: When was the last time you got high?

A: Never.

Q: Why do you drive such an old car?

A: Because I like to tinker with it myself. When something breaks, I can generally identify the problem and usually fix it myself. I spend all day at a computer, I don’t want to drive one.

Q: Is your birthday really New Year’s Eve?

A: Yes.

Q: Don’t your dogs destroy your stuff?

A: Generally, yes. I think all three are out of their destructive-to-be-destructive stages though.

Q: Do you have any cash?

A: Not on me. Sorry.

Q: Paper or plastic?

A: Plastic. I use it to clean up the dog poop in the back yard.

Q: You work out, right?

A: No.

Q: You ran a marathon? Do you still run?

A: Yes – in 2005. I haven’t run since I crossed the finish line except to try to catch a bus.

Q: Your wife is a vegan, right? So you are…?

A: Married to a vegan.

Q: Why didn’t you call me back?

A: I didn’t have a chance. Or some other lie.

Q: Do you want to leave early tonight?

A: Yes. Just text me when you’re out front.

Q: Room for cream?

A: Yes. Just a little.


hard-hitting questions answered so far